It's been a good week. I'm not even sure what kind of evidence I have to support that statement. Nothing real big has happened. Or nothing unusual at least.

I'm changing. More so on the inside. Have you ever wished to feel completely comfortable with yourself? Just wished you could accept yourself for who you really are? I've always longed for someone to love me exactly as I am. The real Jade. Inside and outside. Find me completely beautiful. I used to think that for someone to find me beautiful on the outside meant I had to have the perfect body. Barbie doll body. The long legs with thighs that didn't jiggle, beautiful hair, perfect breasts, large expressive eyes, the shirts that fit smoothly down my sides and tummy, an ass to die for and perfectly white straight teeth. Well guess what .... IMPOSSIBLE. I keep thinking back to how I want to be HEALTHY. I don't want the barbie doll philosophy anymore. I want the healthy Jade. Maybe I'll never have a body that fits into the shirts I've previously posted. Who cares. I'm alive. I am discovering daily who I am, or maybe it is just that I'm remembering who I am. Who I really am and all that is me. I'm love able dammit. I know that. My friends make me FEEL that. I'm realizing more and more how lucky I am. I used to wish daily that I could be a cold hearted bitch. Keep wishing Jaded. ha. It's a wish I don't want anymore. A wish I only had because I thought it would protect me, protect my fragile heart. I'm not that fragile I am realizing. I'm quite strong in fact. I've had love and lost it. I've lost relationships and my self-esteem. What is wonderful and amazing is that new things come along all the time. Even things that will try and bring us down, try to tear us apart. Simply said.... what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger. I don't have many regrets, I feel it is a waste of time. I think regrets are good sometimes though, especially when it makes us be better people. I have lost some things I can never get back and it helps me to really love the things I still have. Friendships being the biggest. I'm reminded how I need to love on the people in my life, tell them how important they are, my thoughts about them. I feel the need to all the time now. Life is short, it moves fast. I'm in my thirties already and on a steady path towards being OLD. I look forward to it. I finally look forward to every day. Even though I know there will be days I struggle, days of struggling with friendships, relationships, self image even. It's OK. It finally feels okay. I want to shout "BRING IT!!" Help me grow, help me be better. Like the stone, take it and carve a masterpiece, that is JADE, out of it. It would be so easy to curl up in the fetal position and block all the bad stuff out. Screw that though. I'm tired of allowing someone to bring me down, destroy my image, my confidence. I'm tired of allowing HIM decide who I am and should be. I guess I finally get that.... I ALLOW IT.

I have a friend, well several actually, who love me exactly for who I am. I'm blessed. Extremely. I'm tired of the internal pity party I've been having with myself lately. I'm blessed to have a lot of friends that know me and listen to me. I really need to listen to them more, especially when they tell me that I am strong and ambitious and so lovable. They need to beat me around sometimes to get me to understand that. They are patient with me. My one friend said, "He (her husband) loves the fight right out of me." I love that phrase. absolutely love it. That is what we all need and should have. My friends love the doubt right out of me. I love them and cherish them for that and so much more.

Thinking of my body, my self image. I'm tired of trying to obtain a goal of being perfect. I'm perfectly made. I was created to be this way. Yes I want to be healthy. and I know that becoming healthy will certainly change my body type. I don't think I should care about that.

I am feeling completely loved for who I am. Inside and out. That makes for a spectacular week I think. I'm ignoring the one person who brings me down, makes me feel unworthy and unloveable. I think the best payback for that kind of person is to push forward and just be who I really am. They win if I cave in and curl up in that fetal position. I say screw that, I want to win. This life is MINE. Who are they to claim it as theirs?

Life is good. I'm happy and smiling.


Yes Man

I've been good.... trucking right along. I set a goal and I feel so good about that. I've been walking every day and keeping my eye on the things I've been eating. Yes man, there are a few things that are not so good... but they were GOOOOD. Ya know what I mean?! I love walking. Or Walking and Talking. Both are so good. I appreciate my friend so much for coming over every morning and motivating me to get outside. Seriously I think I would curl up in a ball and avoid it all if she let me. I've been trying to get my other girlfriend to go walking in the evenings... selfish reason there though... I want to talk to her too! There is something so good and so different about walking conversations! I mean it... find a walking partner! It's like they refuel your soul.

Big plans for the weekend..... I'm staying home!! Yes Man!! I'm going to go thru my storage and PURGE! Seriously purge. If I died today no one would know what to do with all that shit... even the stuff that means a lot to me (grandma's, great aunts, my mom's stuff). So I am going to go thru it all... deem what should be kept and what should be sold, destroyed etc. I am hoping for a good yard sale... earn some cash for a trip. I have a secret weapon too... I'm going to sale donuts at the garage sale.... I knowwww... BADDDD right? But come on, everyone LOVES donuts... eat a donut and you're happy... nothing beats that happy feeling right before you buy buy buy. :) I am mean, I know. It's a mood I'm in. I'm thinking Krispy Kreme... maybe get those fundraiser donuts... The Jaded fund to somewhere HOT in February. :-) hahah... I'm so not kidding either. I'm mean. now I'll be cursed with no visitors for the yard sale and I'll be stuck with all those donuts and you'll all be laughing at ME. (big grin on my face)

Life is good!



I've been in such a mood. So typical... Jade only comes here when the mood is dark and upon her. Ugggh. someone kick my ass puh-leaaase. My moods have been bad lately. I'm just pissed and disgusted. really.

I've been walking with this awesome girl every morning ... she almost has to drag my ass out of bed to get me to go. I used to get up every morning at 4 and I haven't in months. I'm fricken lazy as hell lately. I'm depressed. Nothing really related to weight, I wish I could say it was. I'm just a mess. I appreciate our mornings together, our long talks. I love how the muscles in my ass burn when I make my strides long. I love coming back sweaty. I feel like I am finally moving.

I've spent a few days on the Wii Fit. I wish I could say everyday but I'm not going to lie about it. I managed to snag a personal trainer today... boy am I Blessed!! He emailed me a chart. I told him I wanted to lose 80 lbs by Christmas. He said I could do it!! He motivates me. I told him to feel free to kick my ass when I slacked. I NEED accountability.

I had a really good (difficult for me) talk with a girlfriend this afternoon. She pushes me, wakes me up. I'm so blessed by her. I feel like she can say anything to me and it really reaches me. She sees me and when I'm finding so much fault in myself she points out how full of shit I am. I am so hard on myself, I know this. I have such a difficult time believing I DESERVE good things for myself. The very base of that being the ability to stand up to the people that walk all over me in my life. ::::sigh:::::

New Goals :

  • Get here at least once a week and talk about how I am doing and what I am doing.
  • Take daily vitamins.
  • Drink WATER
  • Do some form of exercise every single day (walk, wii fit, charlie (elliptical), Lola (ab lounger), mow the lawn (3 hours of pushing, lifting, walking, sweating).
  • Take better care of myself...luxurious care like lotions, nail polish, curly locks.

I have a real hard time grasping change. I see it, but I don't understand it. It confuses me really. I am working so hard on making the changes I need to make. I know that I need to get here more often and vent my feelings....I know I have so much support from all of you. I'm a slacker! Don't let me get away with it... please!!!


Beautiful Jade

It's a beautiful day! I'm about to go outside and mow my lawn. What a great exercise too! I love how I feel when I mow, how I can have complete control of the lines I make. I can go crazy or leave them nice and straight. I'm the kinda girl that has a ton of practice conversations before I have the real ones...mowing the lawn gives me the perfect opportunity for such conversations.

I feel like I have two extreme feelings waring on inside me. Dark and Light.. what a complicated mess that is me.

Amongst it all though, Life is GOOD.

I worked out on the Wii fit for 45 min, logging in 30 min of real workout time. It was good, I sweated, short of breath, achy muscles.... my legs were even shaping at one point. I've lost 4 pounds in the last week and took my Wii age from 34 years old to 29 years old!!! (I don't know how) My real age is 32. I love the personal trainer.. I feel like someone is motivating me. I talk back too, which makes me laugh out loud at the moment.

Ok... off I go. Happy Sunday everyone, I hope your day is going smooth!


Someone wake me!

Fuck I am in a mood. I need to be woken up! I don't understand what my problem is. I really really don't. I've been avoiding coming here. No shit, eh? I've been avoiding a lot lately. Like every person, I've thought a little bit about which superpower I'd ask for and I've decided on the power to be invisible. Used to be I'd want the ability to fly, but screw that! (Thank god I haven't been approached yet to be blessed by the superpower gift fairy.)

Yeah.... I'm thinking there is a huge piece of me that is a dreamer. I guess I knew that about myself already. Don't get me wrong, I'm not sitting here day dreaming about impossible things. I'm pretty grounded. I'm actually pretty good at the whole invisible thing already. I know how to disappear. I know how to fade into the back ground. Hell, I'm already good with that. Ya know what my real problem is?? I've learned in my life what is right and wrong, I guess you can say I was blessed/cursed with the ability to decipher right and wrong as well as the whole invisible thing. I'm an observer. I'm a great listener. I can look at a situation and point out exactly what is wrong. I'm good at helping friends figure out their own crap. Sometimes I wish I was the selfish bitch. I wish I didn't know what was right and wrong. I just hate it sometimes.

What my problem is... my colossally huge fucking problem.... as much as I can see right and wrong, as well as I can look at thing, hear things and know what is right and wrong....when if fricken comes to ME, when it has anything at all to do with me, I can't do shit to prevent it, stop it, end it. I see all the wrong things in my life, the wrong people. I let things happen that I can completely stop. I'm weak and flawed. I know that. But the worst part is I see exactly what is being done to me, I see it all and it's like I'm a freak show... the freaky person who has the sewn on zipper mouth. Hell I'm wearing the jacket that hugs me too. That is how helpless I feel... I feel like it's forced on me, my silence is forced. Sad thing is, it's all me. I could change it in a nano second. A friend told me once that no one does anything to me that I don't allow. When I feel bad, it's not because someone makes me feel bad, it's because I allow myself to feel bad. UGHH. I need a break. I want to close my eyes to it all, my natural instinct is to ignore, evade, fade into the invisible girl.

I feel crappy. I feel like I'm such a hypocrite. The bad thing is, I don't know how to change. I want to change. I know I am worth it. I know I deserve good things, I KNOW I deserve to be treated good, to be respected. I need a goddamn seam ripper. ughh.

Diet wise... It's been a roller coaster. Good days bad days. Eh. I went to walmart this weekend and bought the Wii Fit and then a box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts. Way to go Jaded. I didn't eat the whole box, I think I had two of them, but it could be denial talking. I am excited to have that Wii fit. You have no idea. I pulled out everything my living room yesterday and I rented a steam cleaner and cleaned the hell outta the carpet. I'm tempted to leave the couches out, let it be the wii room. There's a spot for Charlie and Lola in there right now. Bet Mr Perfect would flip out if I moved them into there. Ha.

I've been doing weight watchers still, but haven't attended a meeting in some time. The days are passing too fast. Oh yeah, I've been walking too. My food choices haven't been too bad. Could be denial there talking too.

I've been thinking a lot about weight loss. A lot about how my body changes. It used to be that I was secretly afraid of what would happen if I had that slimmed toned body. Mr Perfect has so many insecurities with me being phat. I'm really not kidding. The things I've been accused of.. ..UNREAL. I've kept that thought in my head all these years, hell about 13 years I'd say. "If he thinks I'm cheating now, with this lovely body (hahahahhhaa), what the hell is he going to think when I'm slim, attractive, sexy?" I'm rolling my eyes. Yeah I'm sure you've made the correlation already... I let him make me feel like crap. I allow him to say the things that hurt me, I allow myself to respond to them, and worse..... I allow myself to keep my mouth shut and hold it all inside. Ughh. You know what though.. enough. I need to have control and what better way then to take charge of who I am. Take a firm grip on my own life. No one owns us. We are the captains of our own lives and I say there is a good use for those planks, throw the fuckers, that try to take over that wheel, Overboard! I'm sorry about the abrasive words. I'm fed up. I'm tired. I'm disappointed in myself.


A Quick Minute

I'm not here for long, just a quick post. The WW meeting went really well yesterday, I loved it in fact! So much good information and it was great to get my books. woo hoo! I made a quick stop to the grocery store for some good food. I feel confident in my choices! Yay Jaded Girl!

I'm cleaning the house! So much to do there. I can not wait for SPRING! I guess this is my spring cleaning! Woo hoo Jaded! I enjoy talking to myself obviously! haha.

I love this world of blogging. I love that I can find so much inspiration amongst all these amazing people. I feel so blessed! When I first decided to embark on this ridiculous journey (reminder, it's only ridiculous because it has taken me so long to choose this path), I thought that I would feel alone in my challenges and obstacles. I thought I would have to secretly diet. Know what I mean? It seems as soon as you pronounce "I'm on a diet" all chaos breaks out. Literally. Significant other wants to go out, suddenly a million birthday parties, work goes into Potluck Tuesday mode...the list can go on and on. It's scary telling people. It is scary to admit that I'm dieting. It seems too that once you say those words you have a million watchful eyes! You're not so sure about the reactions you'll get, or if you want people to react at all. Come on, in all honesty.... I'VE SEEN THE PICTURES OF MYSELF! I KNOW that I need to be on this path of getting fit and healthy! I know this, I really really do. There are still things that can get in the way. Insecurities mainly. What happens when I am at the healthy me? Sometimes ::secret secret:: I worry that maybe I'll go to far. Maybe I'll be on a momentum of shedding this baggage and I'll decide to shed more and more. Kinda scary thinking that. Really scary actually. I know too, that I'm comfortable in my skin, I don't like attention and already I get enough of it. I know that a slimmer, healthy me will create more attention...both good and bad. I know I know, health is more important, and it is the very track that I am on. I'm just venting here. Letting loose a really big fear. :::sigh::: I know I'll just have to deal with that when I get to that bridge. I need to keep thinking Health Health Health.

I did ask a friend to keep me accountable, to tell me if I take it too far. I know that those of you that read will do the same for me as well. Have I told you how thankful I am for you? Really truly thankful! It is a great feeling knowing that people really care about the journey I am on, not just care and hope for a healthy me, but care enough to offer support and much needed advice. So THANK YOU!!

Life is Good!



I've always loved Mondays. The start of a new week! Getting back on schedule. I really hate the disorganization of the weekends. Really Really. i look forward to Mondays. Particularly this Monday... I joined weight watchers and missed my first meeting last week due to snow. So today I am off to partake in my first official meeting and weigh in. Let's just say I am glad because I have felt so darn confused by the e-tools offered online thru weight watchers.

I dreamed last night that it snowed. I decided I had better go out and warm the beast up, only to discover some jack had left the passenger door open! The battery was dead. I was instantly mad. It's always amazed me how much emotion you can find in a dream. I was really ticked! I wanted to kick someones ass. Somehow, probably because I realized I was dreaming, I managed to hit the steering wheel hard enough to get the beast to start. woo hoo. Then I decided to go four-by-fouring... woo hoo, thru the field I went.

I'm kinda going to take on my day the very same as I did my dream... I'm going to put myself into four wheel drive and get things done. no more horsing around. :-)

Life is good!



It's me again. so far a good weekend. I've SLEPT. I realize when I sleep I can not be EATING. haha. I think I'm coming down with the flu, or maybe it's just plain old depression. I'm not a happy girl right now. I'm still feeling extremely frustrated. I keep thinking about that phrase though, that so many people are using now in the their blogs " I AM THE ONLY ONE HOLDING MYSELF BACK." just me, I get all the credit. Which means I get all the credit when I succeed. So far I am doing good on my path to healthiness. yay Jaded. I put on a smaller pair of jeans just because I could. They are still from the phat store. ughh. but cute anyhow. I have this jean fetish. no joke. I went thru my jeans the other day and I counted 43 pairs. That was AFTER I made a pile of some I could part with. Really, no joke! Sigh.. I don't mind my addictions, really I don't. I am just glad that I am slowly overcoming my addiction to chocolate and thee soda pop, my addiction has really slimmed back there. hee hee I make myself laugh.

It is raining outside, so I have no interest to go out. Charlie and Lola said hello to me this morning, charlie is still kicking my ass but I think I'm doing a good job with Lola. I really don't understand how people can do hours on their work out equipment. I can hardly take 5 minutes on Charlie. I've found myself going back several times a day to greet him. My goal is to get past 5 minutes, so far no luck though. damn him.

Off I go...I think I should take another nap. :-)


Bad bad bad day

Uggh. I feel like crying. I'm having a bad day. I mean a really BAD day. I've got myself tangled up in some bad business. I knew what was happening, but I allowed myself to get sucked in anyhow. I know better. Uggh. I don't really want to get into all the background drama, I fricken hate drama. But there is a person in my life I decided I couldn't have IN my life anymore, they were way to destructive, way to damaging to my psyche. I finally, yeah finally... decided I was worth more as a person then I was as a doormat, so I said no more.

Somehow, some way... most likely because they are smart and devious, they tricked me into falling for their line of bullshit again. ughhh.

I've stayed on plan for my food today, which I know is good. But I'm honestly feeling really SAD, I know I'm responsible for my own feelings. I know no one can take that away from me or make me feel anything I do not allow. But this really SUCKS! There are days I wish I didn't care about anything. Days where I wish I could just focus on the things I WANT. The things I've set aside for so long because someone expected me to, because they wanted me to.

I've been reading all these blogs, and I've felt so inspired, so motivated. I have felt courageous and strong. I've felt like I had a really good plan and I was going to stick to it. I almost want to say "wait a dog mad minute here folks, stop the train!" What sucks, what really really sucks, is I know exactly what happened. I let him suck me in again. He's happy to make me miserable and I'm just miserable. Uggh.


After that last one...

After posting that last blog about Molly, I felt the need to post this, sharing my thoughts...

I love stories that inspire me, stories that give me hope. How the heck can I complain on the eiliptical machine when there are worse things? I mean, I am so blessed to have BOTH my legs! I am so blessed that I have a strong beating heart. It pushes me, ya know? Just knowing that it could be so much harder, so much more challenging. Life is HARD. It is so beautiful and amazing though. I'm not just trying to find a slimmer me, I want the HEALTHY me!

I've been eating pretty good. Salads, chicken, vegies.. things that I love anyhow...but I am enjoying knowing that I'm doing something GOOD for my body. My indulgences have been cola and a cupcake. Not so good for me. I've been climbing onto the eliptical beast...I need to come up with a name for it. I'm thinking Charlie. Maybe I'll call the ab lounger Lola. Charlie and Lola. Yeah that works for me. Lola is nicer than Charlie.. he's kicking my ass daily.

I worked outside in the barn for a few hours today. Moved wood and garbage, organized all the shelves and counters. It feels so good to get things done. I mean it feels really good!

I've been doing things for ME lately. I started a new face treatment, I know..kinda lame..but it makes me feel better about myself. The ritual of washing my face day and night, it is theraputic for me. A few months ago I bought this lash gel.. you put it on every night and it grows your lashes longer and thicker. I've been using it for a week now and I'm going to use it until it is gone. A friend of mine used it and her lashes are so beautiful, she took before and after and it is amazing! blah blah blah.. I know this is probably boring.. but I just have to keep going. I think it is so important to take care of ourselves. I should have bought stock in lotion. Seriously. I'm adicted to the stuff. I've been using bottles of the stuff, I love soft skin. I painted my toe nails the other night...I know! It wasn't easy to do, kind of awkward really.

I really think it is about time for me to become the selfish girl. Take care of myself, treat myself good, find the things I deserve, give my body and health the things they deserve. I want a long life, a healthy happy life.

For so long I have focused on others, let their thoughts get in the way of who I am. Little things and big things. I let one persons opinion of me get in the way of who I really am. My views about myself have changed so much. They have been so distorted! I am on the right path finally, working back to the real Jade.

I'm taking part in a challenge... 30 lbs by June. I am so excited to reach June and see the changes I've achieved.

So here is to a healthy me.. here's to my goal of health and happiness...kudos to you Jaded! :-)

Meet Molly

Where ever she goes, Molly leaves a smile behind.
Meet Molly. She's a grey speckled pony who was abandoned by her owners whenHurricane Katrina hit southern Louisiana . She spent weeks on her own before finally being rescued and taken to a farm where abandoned animals were stockpiled. While there, she was attacked by a pit bull terrier and almost died. Her gnawed right front leg became infected, and her vet went to LSU for help, but LSU was overwhelmed, and this pony was a welfare case. You know how that goes. But after surgeon Rustin Moore met Molly, he changed his mind. He saw how the pony was careful to lie down on different sides so she didn't seem to get sores, and how she allowed people to handle her. She protected her injured leg. She constantly shifted her weight and didn't overload her good leg. She was a smart pony with a serious survival ethic. Moore agreed to remove her leg below the knee, and a temporary artificial limb was built. Molly walked out of the clinic and her story really begins there.'This was the right horse and the right owner,' Moore insists. Molly happened to be a one-in-a-million patient. She's tough as nails, but sweet, and she was willing to cope with pain. She made it obvious she understood that she was in trouble. The other important factor, according to Moore , is having a truly committed and compliant owner who is dedicated to providing the daily care required over the lifetime of the horse.
Molly's story turns into a parable for life in post-Katrina Louisiana . The little pony gained weight, and her mane finally felt a comb. A human prosthesis designer built her a leg. "The prosthetic has given Molly a whole new life," Allison Barca DVM, Molly's regular vet, reports. "And she asks for it. She will put her little limb out, and come to you and let you know that she wants you to put it on. Sometimes she wants you to take it off too." And sometimes, Molly gets away from Barca. ''It can be pretty bad when you can't catch a three-legged horse,'' she laughs. Most important of all, Molly has a job now. Kay, the rescue farm owner, started taking Molly to shelters, hospitals, nursing homes, and rehabilitation centers. Anywhere she thought that people needed hope.. Wherever Molly went, she showed people her pluck. She inspired people, and she had a good time doing it. ''It's obvious to me that Molly had a bigger role to play in life, Moore said. She survived the hurricane, she survived a horrible injury, and now she is giving hope to others.'' Barca concluded, ''She's not back to normal, but she's going to be better."


All that and more

I have been thinking all day about these blogs. I've bounced around randomly from blog to blog. I've read and read. I rushed home just so I could sign on and browse through blogs. I have to admit that I've looked at my photo's .. oh goddddd have I stared at them! I keep wondering who that Jaded Girl is. I feel like swearing. Just the one word, over and over, low and deep. A mantra of sort. What the hell is wrong with me? How have I come this far and not have seen what I was doing. I'll tell you...I've been avoiding! Fricken avoiding! I don't have many mirrors in my house, the ones I do have stop at chest level. Ugghhh! I fricken want to scream! I am so tempted to go to Lowes and buy a dozen full length mirrors and hang them around the house. I'll ask the neighbor to borrow his drill and just zip zip zip all over the place... one in at every traffic path. I won't be able to have people over for awhile, but crap, I don't want anyone coming over anyhow!

I need to take accountability for who I've become...I need to face who I have been living with. Denial is ridiculous. If only it was so easy to overcome. I'm so far from doing that. ughh!

When I first started this blog, I contemplated how I could get support...how I could find honest caring people. I had NO fricken idea there were so many blogs dedicated to weight loss...oh my goddddddd.....I can read all day long! It amazes me. I feel like I have found a whole new world. I am so amazed and blessed by all the supportive friends I've found! I even have followers! I am amazed and in awe! Their blogs are fascinating, their journeys soo inspiring. One post I read earlier tonight still has me thinking, it is going to take awhile but I will eventually organize my thoughts and write about my reasons for weightloss, why I have the goal that I do.

Right now I am feeling happy and blessed. I feel in charge of me. Ohhhh.... and I read something today... Crap though I can't remember which blogger said it.. dang! I need to figure out how to put links in posts to other posts. (did that make any sense at all??)

"I am the only one holding myself back!" My new mantra! I haven't had anyone put food in my mouth since I was about 3. I get to decide what I eat, no one else. I also get to take responsibility!

Life is Good!


I took the pictures. My biggest thought is OH My UGghHHh!! I don't think I've ever taken an honest look at Myself. I am blown away! Crap, I think I'm actually holding the world in place. At least that is how I feel. If there is a tornado, hold on to me because we won't be going ANYWHERE!

On a brighter note... I am thankful to have the pictures. I need the reminder of what I don't want to be. Of WHO I don't want to be. I want to change. What better reminder then pictures of how I currently am? Jaded girl...take a good long hard look at yourself!
I'm keeping that outfit too, as horrendous as it is. I'm going to take all my update photos wearing just that. I look at those pictures and I can see the areas that I want to work on. I want to watch it all melt away. I long to see the real me.
Another positive note... I checked the scale. 220 "What the hell?!" I thought. ((((WOW)))) I don't know if it is accurate and I am vowing that I will no longer weigh myself unless it is a Monday.

Plans for the day... Chicken Cesar salad, carrots, water water water. Dinner might include rice, chicken and asparagus. Elliptical machine, Ab lounger and a long hard walk!



Today was a great day! I spent most of the day chatting with a dear friend, a girl, talking about diets, fitness, Families, bucket lists and SEX. I enjoy our conversations so much. I can talk to her about anything. She makes me laugh, She makes me think and She is a great motivator! We made plans to start walking and I am thrilled about that. I need motivation. I hate to say it, but I NEED encouragement. Who doesnt, right? My reasons for walking with her are kinda selfish, I love this girl, love being around her, talking with her, she's the Sister I never had, the Mother I craved, the friend I've always cherished.

It was a good day foodwise... scrambled eggs for breakfast, carrots at my work desk, Chicken Cesar salad for lunch, mcdonanlds childrens cheese burger (does it count if I was immediately in the bathroom afterwards?) Uggh I hate McDonalds. There is something WRONG with the food there! But I was strapped for time, so tired, and anxious to move along in my errands, so I justified it. I am really very good at justifying things, I've been doing it all my life really. "Quit it Jaded Girl!!" I know, I know... I need to do some major changes. I was telling a girl today that I can't give up every single vice.I can't allow myself to cut out all sugar completely, all my favorite foods...that I am just going to take those extra joyful sins in moderation. I know that it will be instant failure if I make an attempt to cut them out completely. I've tried it before. So this time, this final time of dieting, I am trying to go with a plan that allows me to stick with it for the rest of my life. I know there will be days for cake. I know there will be nights of champagne. Evenings out with friends and bar steaks, yummy sauces. I don't want those nights to rule my life, nor do I want the idea that I can NEVER have cake or bar steaks again.

So MY PLAN... Take one day at a time, don't be so hard on Myself. Allow myself to make adjustments in my plans, to make and meet goals. I am going to start walking. I am tackling the ab lounger and the elipitcal machine. I decided today that my treat for losing 50 pounds (by the end of August) will be a gym membership that has a pool. I love to swim, absolutely LOVE to swim. That is going to be my reward, and a sly step in assuring I'll keep myself active in the winter months.

Life is Good!


Oh mannnnn

I'm having issues! I keep pulling up my profile page to look at the photos of the virtual model. It has been frustrating me.. ALOT! The thing is... the model at 225 is looking GOOD! If I looked like that then I wouldnt worry about weight loss. I like the smooth curve of the hip. Geesh. Even the virtual picture is unrealistic. I need an artist. Someone who would like me to pose for them, have them sketch me quick and simple. Or heck...take hours...make me look GOOD!!

Ugghh. I am going to have to post pictures here of the real Jaded body. I'm not thrilled about that. But, I do know it needs to be done. I'm serious about this weight loss. I want to be the damn butterfly damnit!! I'm tired of crawling around, I'm tired of being the warm fuzzy caterpillar. I want to fly damnit! I want to feel light and carefree.

I'm going to find the leather strap and bite down hard on it. Grin and bare it. Well not literally bare it, no nudes here. But pictures will arrive shortly.

Inspiriation outfits

Here is my inspiration. I'm thinking about buying #3.


So... I did the much dreaded measuring and weighing this morning. Uggh. Good news though, I weighed in at 225 lbs, I really thought I was at 235...so kudos to the Jaded girl. yay!
Bad news... My goal is to get my body slimmed down to 145 lbs.... that would mean I have 80 pounds to lose. Well... really that is not so bad. 10 pounds a month would have me at my goal in 8 months. Wait...that would mean WINTER....oh boy! Turkey, potatoes, gravy, all those pies..... ughh... how the heck am I going to ACHIEVE this!!
Those winter months are BAD news! I should really consider joining a gym with a pool. That's a pretty good idea actually. I love the winter months because they allow me to stay inside and read, write, watch movies. I seem to pack on the pounds during those months because I don't DO anything. Joining a gym that has a pool would keep me active. I do love swimming but really really hate the idea of wearing a swim suit. My ... ughh... current measurements makes that a very uncomfortable idea.
A friend of mine suggested that I buy a brand new outfit, in the size that I want to be in... I've been thinking about that a lot. It is a great idea to have it hanging around. I'm thinking that I should hang it right in my kitchen. Now THAT would be motivation! Keep your ass outta the kitchen Jaded Girl!! I make myself laugh.
I think I'll go window shopping...see what I can find.


Virtual Model at 145 lbs

Current weight and measurements

My virtual model at 225 lbs

Current measurements:

Right Arm: 15 inches

Chest : 46 inches

Waist: 43.5 inches

Hips: 50.5 inches

Thigh: 26.5


Reality check

Someone please shoot the pony I rode in on, because it certainly can not be me that is making it stagger along at a snails death crawl. OK, here it is... I'm not sure my exact weight...but I know I am obese! I mean ObESe!

I am 5'9 weighing 235lbs (purely a guess) size 4 jeans (don't you just love how the phat stores re sized their jeans!) I mean COME ON people! I'm in a freaken 4!! Do I need to lose weight? All my life I just wanted to be in a freaken 7, but low and behold....size 4!! WOO HOO!!!! ok, reality check. Those "size 4's" are an equivalent to a men's Levi, size 40, maybe 42. I haven't tried on any men's jeans lately, I'm quite happy with my ladies size 4. Thank YOU very much!

Ok let's get REAL. I am starting this ridiculous journey...and I only say it is ridiculous because it is a journey that I should have taken 20 years ago. That is really where it starts...pre-pubescent. I'm ready though. I'm geared up. I know what I need to do, I know how I need to do it. I'm ready damnit! What I need......besides a tub of caramel...ha....is a few people to hold me accountable. Blog world consists of a few million right? surely there are a few bored people....some cheerleaders for the lovely Jaded right? I beg you!! Really, down on my knees BEG you.....Hold me Accountable!!! I am going to post pictures very soon. Please, no comments on the photos, good or bad. I'm going to post measurements soon too....refrain from your comments there as well. I'm very vulnerable at the moment!