Fuck I am in a mood. I need to be woken up! I don't understand what my problem is. I really really don't. I've been avoiding coming here. No shit, eh? I've been avoiding a lot lately. Like every person, I've thought a little bit about which superpower I'd ask for and I've decided on the power to be invisible. Used to be I'd want the ability to fly, but screw that! (Thank god I haven't been approached yet to be blessed by the superpower gift fairy.)
Yeah.... I'm thinking there is a huge piece of me that is a dreamer. I guess I knew that about myself already. Don't get me wrong, I'm not sitting here day dreaming about impossible things. I'm pretty grounded. I'm actually pretty good at the whole invisible thing already. I know how to disappear. I know how to fade into the back ground. Hell, I'm already good with that. Ya know what my real problem is?? I've learned in my life what is right and wrong, I guess you can say I was blessed/cursed with the ability to decipher right and wrong as well as the whole invisible thing. I'm an observer. I'm a great listener. I can look at a situation and point out exactly what is wrong. I'm good at helping friends figure out their own crap. Sometimes I wish I was the selfish bitch. I wish I didn't know what was right and wrong. I just hate it sometimes.
What my problem is... my colossally huge fucking problem.... as much as I can see right and wrong, as well as I can look at thing, hear things and know what is right and wrong....when if fricken comes to ME, when it has anything at all to do with me, I can't do shit to prevent it, stop it, end it. I see all the wrong things in my life, the wrong people. I let things happen that I can completely stop. I'm weak and flawed. I know that. But the worst part is I see exactly what is being done to me, I see it all and it's like I'm a freak show... the freaky person who has the sewn on zipper mouth. Hell I'm wearing the jacket that hugs me too. That is how helpless I feel... I feel like it's forced on me, my silence is forced. Sad thing is, it's all me. I could change it in a nano second. A friend told me once that no one does anything to me that I don't allow. When I feel bad, it's not because someone makes me feel bad, it's because I allow myself to feel bad. UGHH. I need a break. I want to close my eyes to it all, my natural instinct is to ignore, evade, fade into the invisible girl.
I feel crappy. I feel like I'm such a hypocrite. The bad thing is, I don't know how to change. I want to change. I know I am worth it. I know I deserve good things, I KNOW I deserve to be treated good, to be respected. I need a goddamn seam ripper. ughh.
Diet wise... It's been a roller coaster. Good days bad days. Eh. I went to walmart this weekend and bought the Wii Fit and then a box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts. Way to go Jaded. I didn't eat the whole box, I think I had two of them, but it could be denial talking. I am excited to have that Wii fit. You have no idea. I pulled out everything my living room yesterday and I rented a steam cleaner and cleaned the hell outta the carpet. I'm tempted to leave the couches out, let it be the wii room. There's a spot for Charlie and Lola in there right now. Bet Mr Perfect would flip out if I moved them into there. Ha.
I've been doing weight watchers still, but haven't attended a meeting in some time. The days are passing too fast. Oh yeah, I've been walking too. My food choices haven't been too bad. Could be denial there talking too.
I've been thinking a lot about weight loss. A lot about how my body changes. It used to be that I was secretly afraid of what would happen if I had that slimmed toned body. Mr Perfect has so many insecurities with me being phat. I'm really not kidding. The things I've been accused of.. ..UNREAL. I've kept that thought in my head all these years, hell about 13 years I'd say. "If he thinks I'm cheating now, with this lovely body (hahahahhhaa), what the hell is he going to think when I'm slim, attractive, sexy?" I'm rolling my eyes. Yeah I'm sure you've made the correlation already... I let him make me feel like crap. I allow him to say the things that hurt me, I allow myself to respond to them, and worse..... I allow myself to keep my mouth shut and hold it all inside. Ughh. You know what though.. enough. I need to have control and what better way then to take charge of who I am. Take a firm grip on my own life. No one owns us. We are the captains of our own lives and I say there is a good use for those planks, throw the fuckers, that try to take over that wheel, Overboard! I'm sorry about the abrasive words. I'm fed up. I'm tired. I'm disappointed in myself.