Today

It's been a good week. I'm not even sure what kind of evidence I have to support that statement. Nothing real big has happened. Or nothing unusual at least.

I'm changing. More so on the inside. Have you ever wished to feel completely comfortable with yourself? Just wished you could accept yourself for who you really are? I've always longed for someone to love me exactly as I am. The real Jade. Inside and outside. Find me completely beautiful. I used to think that for someone to find me beautiful on the outside meant I had to have the perfect body. Barbie doll body. The long legs with thighs that didn't jiggle, beautiful hair, perfect breasts, large expressive eyes, the shirts that fit smoothly down my sides and tummy, an ass to die for and perfectly white straight teeth. Well guess what .... IMPOSSIBLE. I keep thinking back to how I want to be HEALTHY. I don't want the barbie doll philosophy anymore. I want the healthy Jade. Maybe I'll never have a body that fits into the shirts I've previously posted. Who cares. I'm alive. I am discovering daily who I am, or maybe it is just that I'm remembering who I am. Who I really am and all that is me. I'm love able dammit. I know that. My friends make me FEEL that. I'm realizing more and more how lucky I am. I used to wish daily that I could be a cold hearted bitch. Keep wishing Jaded. ha. It's a wish I don't want anymore. A wish I only had because I thought it would protect me, protect my fragile heart. I'm not that fragile I am realizing. I'm quite strong in fact. I've had love and lost it. I've lost relationships and my self-esteem. What is wonderful and amazing is that new things come along all the time. Even things that will try and bring us down, try to tear us apart. Simply said.... what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger. I don't have many regrets, I feel it is a waste of time. I think regrets are good sometimes though, especially when it makes us be better people. I have lost some things I can never get back and it helps me to really love the things I still have. Friendships being the biggest. I'm reminded how I need to love on the people in my life, tell them how important they are, my thoughts about them. I feel the need to all the time now. Life is short, it moves fast. I'm in my thirties already and on a steady path towards being OLD. I look forward to it. I finally look forward to every day. Even though I know there will be days I struggle, days of struggling with friendships, relationships, self image even. It's OK. It finally feels okay. I want to shout "BRING IT!!" Help me grow, help me be better. Like the stone, take it and carve a masterpiece, that is JADE, out of it. It would be so easy to curl up in the fetal position and block all the bad stuff out. Screw that though. I'm tired of allowing someone to bring me down, destroy my image, my confidence. I'm tired of allowing HIM decide who I am and should be. I guess I finally get that.... I ALLOW IT.

I have a friend, well several actually, who love me exactly for who I am. I'm blessed. Extremely. I'm tired of the internal pity party I've been having with myself lately. I'm blessed to have a lot of friends that know me and listen to me. I really need to listen to them more, especially when they tell me that I am strong and ambitious and so lovable. They need to beat me around sometimes to get me to understand that. They are patient with me. My one friend said, "He (her husband) loves the fight right out of me." I love that phrase. absolutely love it. That is what we all need and should have. My friends love the doubt right out of me. I love them and cherish them for that and so much more.

Thinking of my body, my self image. I'm tired of trying to obtain a goal of being perfect. I'm perfectly made. I was created to be this way. Yes I want to be healthy. and I know that becoming healthy will certainly change my body type. I don't think I should care about that.

I am feeling completely loved for who I am. Inside and out. That makes for a spectacular week I think. I'm ignoring the one person who brings me down, makes me feel unworthy and unloveable. I think the best payback for that kind of person is to push forward and just be who I really am. They win if I cave in and curl up in that fetal position. I say screw that, I want to win. This life is MINE. Who are they to claim it as theirs?

Life is good. I'm happy and smiling.

Yes Man

I've been good.... trucking right along. I set a goal and I feel so good about that. I've been walking every day and keeping my eye on the things I've been eating. Yes man, there are a few things that are not so good... but they were GOOOOD. Ya know what I mean?! I love walking. Or Walking and Talking. Both are so good. I appreciate my friend so much for coming over every morning and motivating me to get outside. Seriously I think I would curl up in a ball and avoid it all if she let me. I've been trying to get my other girlfriend to go walking in the evenings... selfish reason there though... I want to talk to her too! There is something so good and so different about walking conversations! I mean it... find a walking partner! It's like they refuel your soul.

Big plans for the weekend..... I'm staying home!! Yes Man!! I'm going to go thru my storage and PURGE! Seriously purge. If I died today no one would know what to do with all that shit... even the stuff that means a lot to me (grandma's, great aunts, my mom's stuff). So I am going to go thru it all... deem what should be kept and what should be sold, destroyed etc. I am hoping for a good yard sale... earn some cash for a trip. I have a secret weapon too... I'm going to sale donuts at the garage sale.... I knowwww... BADDDD right? But come on, everyone LOVES donuts... eat a donut and you're happy... nothing beats that happy feeling right before you buy buy buy. :) I am mean, I know. It's a mood I'm in. I'm thinking Krispy Kreme... maybe get those fundraiser donuts... The Jaded fund to somewhere HOT in February. :-) hahah... I'm so not kidding either. I'm mean. now I'll be cursed with no visitors for the yard sale and I'll be stuck with all those donuts and you'll all be laughing at ME. (big grin on my face)

Life is good!

Ehh

I've been in such a mood. So typical... Jade only comes here when the mood is dark and upon her. Ugggh. someone kick my ass puh-leaaase. My moods have been bad lately. I'm just pissed and disgusted. really.

I've been walking with this awesome girl every morning ... she almost has to drag my ass out of bed to get me to go. I used to get up every morning at 4 and I haven't in months. I'm fricken lazy as hell lately. I'm depressed. Nothing really related to weight, I wish I could say it was. I'm just a mess. I appreciate our mornings together, our long talks. I love how the muscles in my ass burn when I make my strides long. I love coming back sweaty. I feel like I am finally moving.

I've spent a few days on the Wii Fit. I wish I could say everyday but I'm not going to lie about it. I managed to snag a personal trainer today... boy am I Blessed!! He emailed me a chart. I told him I wanted to lose 80 lbs by Christmas. He said I could do it!! He motivates me. I told him to feel free to kick my ass when I slacked. I NEED accountability.

I had a really good (difficult for me) talk with a girlfriend this afternoon. She pushes me, wakes me up. I'm so blessed by her. I feel like she can say anything to me and it really reaches me. She sees me and when I'm finding so much fault in myself she points out how full of shit I am. I am so hard on myself, I know this. I have such a difficult time believing I DESERVE good things for myself. The very base of that being the ability to stand up to the people that walk all over me in my life. ::::sigh:::::

New Goals :

• Get here at least once a week and talk about how I am doing and what I am doing.
• Take daily vitamins.
• Drink WATER
• Do some form of exercise every single day (walk, wii fit, charlie (elliptical), Lola (ab lounger), mow the lawn (3 hours of pushing, lifting, walking, sweating).
• Remember my goal of what I want .... VACATION SOMEWHERE HOT IN FEBRUARY WITH MY BEST GIRL FRIENDS!!
• Take better care of myself...luxurious care like lotions, nail polish, curly locks.

I have a real hard time grasping change. I see it, but I don't understand it. It confuses me really. I am working so hard on making the changes I need to make. I know that I need to get here more often and vent my feelings....I know I have so much support from all of you. I'm a slacker! Don't let me get away with it... please!!!